It was the Blood Moon last night and we went for a drive to see it but it was too cloudy to see anything/I had a doctors appointment today I was very nervous about but it turned out okay and afterwards I had an orange, lemon and pineapple juice and bought a thick winter scarf
All I ever did to that apartment was hang fifty yards of yellow theatrical silk across the bedroom windows, because I had some idea that the gold light would make me feel better, but I did not bother to weight the curtains correctly and all that summer the long panels of transparent golden silk would blow out the windows and get tangled and drenched in afternoon thunderstorms. That was the year, my twenty-eight, when I was discovering that not all of the promises would be kept, that some things are in fact irrevocable and that it had counted after all, every evasion and ever procrastination, every word, all of it.
I feel as though I don’t know what I want at all right now even down to this blog. I can’t seem to grasp my own sense of self and I wish I had a stronger personal ‘style’ or ‘aesthetic’ with things like the way I dress, this blog, the pictures I take, the way I see the world in general. It’s the same way with the decisions I’m making for my life. Every time i see someone I know has got a new job/is moving/going overseas to travel, go on exchange or do a work abroad program I instantly panic and feel as though I’m wasting my own life. I know I love what I’m studying and eventually hope to work in but I feel like I can’t focus on anything right now. I have so many other things I want to pursue, particularly travel, and when you hear so much about what other people are doing it’s so hard to focus on what you need to be doing yourself and to even work out what that is. I just feel very lost and not at all myself lately
Good friends make you face the truth about yourself and you do the same for them, as painful, or as pleasurable, as the truth may be.
I’m so tired lately and I’m not where I want to be but I think I’m making progress and I know I’m trying. I bought a cheap juicer the other day and today my dad brought home carrots the length of my forearm and lots of oranges, lemons, pineapple and apples to turn into juice. The other night I sat in the front seat of the car with my two best friends singing with the radio and laughing til I was almost in tears